Ripped By mstoll
(Hums)
(Door bell)
(Hums)
Deidre, ahhh.
- Now, do say if this is a bad time to call. - No, no.
I was passing and I haven't seen your new place yet, but do say if it's inconvenient.
- No, come in. - You would say?
- I would say. Come in. - Oh, yes. Very nice.
Better than your old place, where you walked straight into the sitting room,
- then fell down those two rather cunning steps. - (Laughs)
- May I? - Yes, do.
Oh, yes.
Very nice.
Yes, very modern. Very with-it.
Well, I'm afraid the furniture's without it.
And the cushions and the ornaments and the pictures. It's all the stuff from our old place.
Don't you think they stick out like a sore thumb?
- I wouldn't say like a sore thumb, Sandy. - Oh, wouldn't you?
A slightly chipped fingernail, perhaps.
- Who's going to notice a chipped fingernail? - I do.
I notice this chipped fingernail every minute of the day.
- Hm. Have you spoken to Oliver? - He thinks it's Buckingham Palace.
Oh, yes, men are like that. If there's a bedroom and a drinks cupboard and the loo works...
BOTH: It's Buckingham Palace.
You see, the trouble is, the move cost us such a lot of money and there is a bigger mortgage.
I wonder if Oliver's heard about this loan scheme his firm has. Very low interest.
Edgar says it's to help employees financially, especially junior executive level.
You know, we have to entertain from time to time and...
Ah, so we could get some new things.
- Well, if they thought your need was sufficient. - Oh, it is, Deidre, it is.
I think I'll talk to Oliver about it, tonight.
♪ This land is my land...
- Ah, Mr Pryde? - Yes?
- Lowther. - What? Oh. How do you do?
President of the Apsley Court Residents' Association.
Congratulations.
We are very proud of the high standard that we maintain here.
Oh, good. Well, excuse me.
We try to conform, you know, even to the extent of our common parts.
- We don't let it rest there. - Oh, I am relieved.
We also have to take into account the condition of your interior.
Wh? Ah, yes. Inner cleanliness.
No, no, Mr Pryde, I was referring to the overall effect.
Pattern of the window boxes, for instance, curtains in the rooms that face the road.
You'll agree that your own curtains might detract from the general impression.
- Our curtains? - Red stripes amidst a sea of cream.
About 18 inches too short.
Ah, yes, but, behind the striped red, Mr Lowther, it's very Oliver Pryde, very Sanderson.
- I'm very pleased to hear that, but... - Yes, well, come in and see us sometime.
- Hello! Sandy! - In here, darling.
- Hello, darling. - Hello, darling.
- Hello, Deir'. - Hello, Ol'.
- I was just passing. - Well, I'm glad you didn't pass.
This is practically one of the sights of London. We think so, don't we, darling?
Isn't she a clever little picker?
Mind you, when we arrived here, that first day,
bare rooms, fluff and dust everywhere, squatters...
I don't mind telling you, Deidre, I thought we'd made a mistake,
but then we unpacked the old tea chests, took off the dust sheets
hung up the pictures and suddenly: Buckingham Palace.
It's lovely, Oliver.
Yes, isn't it, Deidre?
What a marvellous thing, the way all our old stuff slotted into place.
You'd think we'd decorated already, wouldn't you?
- Well... - You must bring Edgar over.
I've been meaning to ask him, but I don't see so much of him at the office
since we got a rather busty bird in Photostatting.
No, I mean, come round to dinner, both of you. Heaven knows, it's high time.
Mm. That'd be very nice. Thank you, Oliver. Well, I must fly.
If you're home, Edgar might be home, unless, of course, he's been delayed by a Photostat.
- (Chuckles) - I'll see myself out.
(Whispers) Good luck.
Bye-bye, Deidre. See you soon.
- Yeah, bye. - Bye.
(Door closes)
- You've been fidgeting with things again. - What do you mean, "fidgeting"?
Well, the chairs are in a different place.
There.
- And what's happened to my side table? - Well, it is a bit past it, darling.
No, no, no, the one with the chessboard mosaic.
Yes, but a number of the white squares were cracked.
Well, you didn't notice with an ashtray over them.
The black squares aren't black squares, they're more square holes.
- Yeah, well, I liked it. - Well, it just didn't seem to fit the flat, Oliver.
Deidre was mad about the flat. She wouldn't have changed a thing.
- Buckingham Palace, she said. - No, you said Buckingham Palace.
Deidre nodded.
- Where's that table? - Oh, all right.
- Yes... and where's my knight? - Your knight?
That brass fellow in armour, holding a poker, with a hearth brush and tongs stuck up his back.
We don't have a fire.
We didn't have a fire in the last place, but he looked jolly good.
Did he really?
Ah, my table. Thank you, darling.
(Hums)
Ba-boom! Right, where's my knight?
- Your knight would look stupid in here. - Rubbish, darling, everybody loved him.
Edgar and I used to have fights. Remember? Him with the tongs, me with the poker.
Yes, I do remember. Tremendously amusing, that was. A great load of laughs.
- Sandy, is anything wrong? - Yes.
- What? - All of this, Oliver.
And this.
Careful. Darling, we nearly lost Jersey Lil.
As far as I'm concerned, we can lose Jersey Lil and your chessboard table and the suite.
Do you know something? As a matter of fact,
I haven't for one moment missed that chap of yours with a hearth brush stuck up his backside.
- Sandy... - I'm sorry, Oliver.
I know we haven't got much money but, as far as I can see,
our Buckingham Palace is more like a downmarket version of Fagin's kitchen.
- Fagin's? - Well, the flat shows up the furniture.
It's like playing a chipped 78 on a hi-fi stereo set.
Or hanging out your smalls in Kew Gardens.
There's nothing we can do about it, we're flat broke.
Even my toothbrush is down to its last four bristles.
Well, darling, did you know that your firm had a loan scheme?
- A what? - I think you should talk to Mr Manderson.
Edgar told Deidre, very low interest.
I am not getting into debt, least of all with my own firm.
You were the one who wanted to move out of the old place.
I was the one who scraped up the money to move into the new place.
And, quite frankly, I think the new place lacks only one thing and that is my knight.
Oh, Mr Simmonds. Hello, it's Oliver Pryde.
Yeah, you bought our flat. I'm ringing you up on the off chance that you might have my knight.
Yeah, knight with a K. Yes, not as in...
♪ Night and day, you are the one
What? Oh, no, no, I'm fine.
Brass, that's it, yeah, with a thing up its...
Oh.
Great. It was where?
Really?
Well, I wonder if I could come round. My wife can't live without it.
Thank you very much indeed. Goodbye.
They found it at the back of the airing cupboard. I wonder how it got there, darling.
I'm going round to collect it. Want to come?
See the old place again. Might make you feel better about the new place.
- No, thank you. - Come, you've probably forgotten the old flat.
Draughts, creaky floorboards, the Florida swamp under the bath...
Come on, Sandy. Come with me and collect that bit of old brass
and, if you don't agree that we've got a bargain here, I'll ditch my old knight on the way home.
- Fair enough? - Will you ditch the table too?
I'll ditch the table too.
- OK. - OK.
(Grunts)
Well, at least we don't have those stairs to do any more, do we?
Ground floor now, open the door, straight in, no puffing and panting.
- I bet you'd forgotten about those. - I think I had.
I hadn't, climbing up here with Saturday morning shopping.
Enough to put Chris Bonington off tackling the Eiger.
And the old bell, picked its own time whether to work or not, didn't it?
- Mostly not. - (Beeping in rising pitch)
What was that?
- I think it was our old bell in slightly better voice. - Good Lord.
- Ah, Mr and Mrs Pryde. - Hello.
- Do come in. BOTH: Thank you.
Hello there. Welcome to chez nous.
We hardly met, did we?
- My wife. - Do call me Ruth.
And I'm Denzil.
I'm Sandy and he's...
His name is Oliver.
Oh, good. Well, what'll you drink?
I don't drink.
Well, I'd love a Martini, please.
- Oh, super. American? - Yes.
- Are you sure, Oliver? - Er... well, er...
Just an orange squash, then.
- A Harvey Wallbanger for me. - What else?
Well, you've certainly settled in, haven't you?
Oh, well, that's trés kind of you, but...
No, no, I mean, you've done awfully well.
- Haven't they, darling? - Yes.
Well, brand-new furniture, it always makes a difference.
Oh, it's all new furniture, is it?
Oh, yes, everything's new.
Our last stuff would've made this place look like Steptoe And Son.
(Laughter)
(Forced cackle)
And, then, when we moved in, Denzil went straight to work.
It's so much cheaper if you do it yourself.
You did it yourself?
Well, I painted and hung the wallpaper.
Sort of thing anyone can do nowadays.
Well, not anyone.
- Can they, Oliver? - Well...
- Thank you. - Your orange squash.
- Thank you. - Cheers.
- Here's to do-it-yourself. - Cheers.
Do it yourself.
- Denzil rewired the flat, too. - No!
And... put in our electric cooker.
Honestly, darling, it was simply a question of capping off the gas and not smoking.
(Both laugh)
And the electrical side, well, you wouldn't believe how easy that was.
- Oh, wouldn't I? - No.
Once I'd traced the ring main and checked on the loading,
it was simply a question of taking up floorboards,
coursing into the plaster, fixing the cable ducts,
putting in holes for the new knockout boxes and bingo: Two double-fused spurs.
Well, half an hour's work.
Well, almost.
Two hours and 10 minutes to be exact but, then, I did stop for a cup of tea.
(Tuts)
Is your husband handy?
Well...
He did put a shelf up once, ove...
- Oh, I see you've taken it down. - No.
(Clears throat) It er... fell down.
What, again?
Have you a microwave oven?
A microwave?
I couldn't live without it.
- She couldn't live without the quadraphonic. - Quadra... what?
- Phonic. - Oh, phonic, mm-hm.
Or the video cassette recorder.
We were just about to run Ben-Hur. Would you care to watch a soupçon?
- Oh, I'd love to. - I've seen it.
Twice.
Oh, well, perhaps you've just time to see the bathroom.
Denzil retiled it. Bermuda, of course, and there's a shower unit and bidet.
- A bidet? - We must go.
Oh.
Quelle shame, but just one moment.
Here's your brave defender.
- Thank you. - There you are, you see, darling.
My husband's been missing him like mad.
I must say, you've done awfully well, haven't they, darling?
Well, quite well.
Actually, our surveyor came to the flat warming
and he said we could sell the place for twice what we paid you.
Well, pop in any time.
- Thank you. - Bye, now.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Should look good when it's finished.
All right, where do you want me to dump this?
They have done a marvellous job, though.
All right, well, at least our branch of Steptoe And Son
is going to be without one knight and one chess-patterned table, for starters.
- Oliver, what are the dustmen going to think? - They'll probably put in for a truss.
Come on, let's get back to Bleak House.
Oh, Mr Pryde.
Mrs Pryde, we haven't met. My name's Lowther.
Perhaps your husband told you I'm President of the Residents' Association.
- It must have slipped my mind. - I was telling your husband, only the other day,
we can only maintain the very high standard outside and in, if everyone conforms.
Some people have window boxes, mostly green.
You can imagine my horror when someone put out a striped, pink one.
Oh, horrific. Yes. Well, excuse me.
Mrs Peters was most reasonable.
She put out a striped, yellow one?
- She conformed to plain green. - Oh, good for her.
- Thank you for your colourful conversation. - It's a matter of your bedroom curtains.
- I'm glad you like them. - I don't like them, I'm afraid, Mrs Pryde,
- and I've had complaints from the association. - I have to go.
Your flat is leasehold. Under the conditions of the lease...
My husband wants his slippers.
A high standard must be maintained, inside and out.
Yes, well, we're buying up Harrods tomorrow, Mr Lowther. Excuse me. Goodbye.
(Groans)
Right.
Oliver!
Right. Pity we haven't got a fireplace.
When we burnt this, we could fling on the armchairs.
- Hey, darling. - Is there anything else that offends your eye?
Or do you just hate everything?
Look, have you thought about the loan?
- I told you, I am not getting into debt. - No, listen. Just think...
Just think about it for a minute.
I mean, if Edgar's right, well, we could be lolling around here on a chaise longue,
marble pillars everywhere, solid gold drinks trolley, a couple of genuine Picassos in the loo.
Oh, yes, and capped off by a knockout box and a double-fused bidet.
(Laughs)
Oh, there's no harm in asking, I suppose.
- I'm sorry, I've been a bear today. - Well, I've been a mummy bear.
No, no, no. You just want the flat to look good. So do I.
Old Lowther'd have a fit if he came in now.
Well, we won't let him in till we've hung the Picassos in the loo.
We won't.
- Hey. - Hm?
- Darling, what are you doing? - I'm practising crawling to Manderson.
Hey, Oliver, why don't we invite him to dinner with his wife?
- I mean, there is a Mrs Manderson, isn't there? - I hope so, he's got five children.
Let's ask them to dinner.
What, all of them? Yeah, sitting up, that's more comfortable than crawling.
You will be crawling, though, won't you?
Oh, yes, from tomorrow onwards, I'm going to be a latter-day Uriah Heep.
I'm a very humble man, Mr Manderson.
- We could ask Deidre and Edgar as well. - Oh, what a marvellous idea, darling.
Oh, I can't wait to lie on that chaise longue
with my glass of champagne from my solid gold drinks trolley, while you...
Put up an RSJ?
I meant, peel me a grape.
- Hello? - Sandy, it's Edgar.
Oh, don't say you and Deidre can't come tonight.
No, we're coming, looking forward to it. It's just that I've had an idea.
Now, the object of tonight's exercise is to soften up old Manderson, yes?
Yes.
- Before Oliver asks for a loan, yes? - Yes.
Yes, well, since Deidre put the idea of a loan into your head, I feel a bit responsible.
- I've suddenly thought of a snag. - I know, you're worried about my cooking.
(Chuckles) No, no.
No, it's just that Deidre says your flat's in a pretty desirable block.
Manderson might think, "If they can afford that, why should they need a loan?"
Oh, Lord.
- You see my thinking? - Mm. Yes, I do. Oh, Lord.
Hang on, hang on. Here's where my idea comes into it.
Now, suppose the flat isn't looking its best tonight.
- What do you mean? - I mean, think grotty.
No flowers on the table, for instance. Anything that's tatty, make it more tatty.
I see, yes.
- Perhaps one odd chair at the dinner table. - Yes.
- And not your best cutlery. - No. Thanks, Edgar, that's a marvellous idea.
- But don't overdo it. - No.
And don't tell Oliver, either.
- No? - No. He's a bit conservative
and I don't want him anxious, with an important evening ahead.
- I'll just tell Deidre and we'll play along with it. - Right.
OK, bye, Sandy, and remember, as Queen Isabella said to Columbus, "Don't go too far."
(Guffaws)
- (Door closes) OLIVER: I'm home.
Damn tube stopped for hours in the tunnel.
- Nobody's here yet, are they? - No, darling.
Oh, thank God for that.
I haven't time for a bath. I'll just have to make do with...
Good grief.
Oh, well, I suddenly thought, what if Mr Manderson thinks the flat's too smart?
We mightn't get the loan.
- Well, you didn't have to explode a bomb. - Well, do you think I've overdone it?
Overdone it? The only thing you've forgotten's a couple of meths drinkers asleep on the floor.
- It's not as bad as that. - It's worse.
A meths drinker wouldn't want to sleep here.
Darling, don't be so silly. This is supposed to make Mr Manderson feel sorry for us.
It's gonna make Mr Manderson bloody sorry I'm in his department.
- (Door bell) - Oh, God, please make that Edgar and Deidre.
(Door closes)
SAND Y: Mr Manderson! - (Squeals)
Ah...
Lord.
Good evening, sir. Good evening, Mrs Manderson.
- Do you know my wife? - Well, she's just let us in.
Oh, yes. Yes. Well, I must apologise, my tube was delayed, I've only just arrived home.
I haven't had time to change.
You couldn't have changed, darling. Your only other suit is at the cleaner's
with my other dress and we can't afford to have our things express cleaned.
What nonsense. Do, please, sit down. Make yourselves comfortable.
I'd recommend this. The springs are all right and this rug covers a multitude of sins.
Oh, goodness me. Excuse me.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. There.
This stuff has a mind of its own, doesn't it?
Now, er... (Coughs) Would you care for a drink?
- Have you a sherry? - Yes.
- No. - What?
We've got some ginger ale.
- With what? - By itself.
The off licence is getting a bit stroppy about the bill.
I could only afford to buy a bottle of wine for the meal.
"A product of British Honduras."
Sounds interesting, doesn't it?
- I'm sure we had some white wine in the fridge. - No.
- And a lager. - Really?
- Would you care for a lager, sir? - Yes, in preference to neat ginger ale, I would.
Splendid. And, Mrs Manderson, I'll just pop round to the off licence for your sherry.
This is nice and cold. Anyone?
We won't be able to have it at this temperature any more, I'm afraid.
They're going to repossess the fridge, tomorrow.
(Laughs)
My wife has a rather wry sense of humour.
- (Door bell) - I'll go. You give Mrs Manderson her milk.
- Hello. - Deidre.
Hello, Edgar.
- All going according to plan. - Really?
- Isn't he the clever one? - You didn't go too far?
- Happy medium. - Good girl.
Happy me...
(Whispers) Edgar.
- I'm sure you know Mr and Mrs Waddington. - We'll have to go along with it.
Mr Manderson and Mrs Manderson, you know my wife Deidre.
How do you do?
You've done well, Oliver.
Very well.
Oh.
This is my husband's first visit here.
Yes, indeed. This is a palace to their last place.
BOTH: It is?
Mm. More... atmosphere. We go for more atmosphere, don't we, darling?
I hope you also go for neat ginger ale.
Well, there is milk.
No, thank you.
There wouldn't be crisps or peanuts, would there?
I'm terribly sorry. Yes, of course.
They're not quite as crisp as their name suggests,
but somebody forgot to close the packet after our flat cooling party, two weeks ago.
Yes, they are rather pliable, aren't they?
- Well, we could go straight into the meal. - Oh, there's going to be food?
Certainly.
And, then we can find out what British Honduras have to offer, can't we? Darling.
- It's not too early to eat, is it? - Oh, no. No, it isn't.
- We have to leave early. - Oh, what a shame.
Well, let's try and give you an evening to remember, then.
Mr Manderson, would you like to sit over here?
- Now, who wants the deck chair? - What a novel idea.
Deidre, there we go.
Now, then...
Edgar, would you be a sweetie and light the candle for me?
- Certainly. - Mrs Manderson, there we are.
- Darling? - Mm.
Would you make sure that Mr and Mrs Manderson get the two glasses, please?
I'm sorry about the cloth, but all those down the newspaper end'll be able to read at the table.
(Laughter)
Still, it does look a bit bare, doesn't it?
Oh, I know.
Very pretty.
Yes.
- Where's our best cutlery, Sandy? - At the sign of the three balls, darling.
Ooh. (Chuckles) This stool is a lot more comfortable than it looks.
We don't usually eat as well as this.
It's a good job we're eating early, isn't it? I was afraid it might shrink.
Darling, would you carve, please? Here you are.
Now, then, Mrs Manderson, would you like a potato?
I think there's enough for one each.
Mr Manderson, how many peas would you like?
(Cutlery thuds against crockery)
Mr and Mrs Manderson, I think I ought to tell you...
- Yes, I think you ought to, a joke's a joke, but... - (Door bell)
- We're not expecting anyone else. - I sincerely hope not.
- Shall I go? - Look, I-I was...
I was humbly trying to explain...
- Only one curtain, and that's hanging down! - I beg your pardon?
- Where's Mr Pryde? - What?
Mr Pryde, I think I gave you warning, on behalf of the...
I shall report this disgrace directly to the governors of Apsley Court. Good night.
I say, who is that dreadful man?
I say, who are you, sir?
- I'm President of the Residents' Association. - You should have better manners.
- What's your name? - Lowther.
- (Shouts) What is your name? - Lowther.
Oh, Lowther.
- Make a note of that, Waddington. - Yes.
You have seen fit to insult a member of my staff
and I shall be reporting you to the governors of Apsley Court. Good night.
Good night.
Oh!
Clive, you were magnificent.
Oh, well, I can rise to the occasion, my dear,
but, my dear Oliver, I didn't realise things were as bad as that.
I mean, why didn't you take advantage of our internal scheme and ask for a loan?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Actually, Mr Manderson, we were going to. That's what tonight was all about.
Things aren't really as bad as this.
Laid it on a bit, did you? That's not surprising, with that Lowther creature going at you.
That was a good bit of thinking. Yes. Trifle overdone?
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
Don't apologise, we'll arrange the loan first thing in the morning.
Oh, thank... Oh, it is all right, isn't it?
He's stronger than he looks.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you. That makes up for no alcohol.
Well, actually, we have got sherry and things but we really, honestly, haven't got any more food.
Oh, I see, going to go the whole way, were you? I admire your courage, Oliver.
Yes, I assume it was your idea.
- Er... well... - Yes.
BOTH: Yes. - Er... yes.
Obviously, there'll be quite a story round the office, tomorrow. (Laughs)
- Oh, no names, of course. - Oh, thank you, sir.
Yes, but in return, I insist on taking you all out to dinner tonight.
- Oh, no, we couldn't. - No, I insist, and we can discuss this loan.
I must say, Oliver's little scheme deserves some reward.
We can't waste such imaginative talent, you know.
Well, actually, sir... (Grunts)
- What's that? - I was just saying, "Mmm", sir.
Oh, you agree, do you? Good.
Now, wait a minute, we can only take two extra in my car.
Well, would you take Deidre and Edgar and we'll do a quick change?
- Oh, your stuff's back from the cleaner's, is it? - (Laughter)
- Do you know Luigi's in the Fulham Road? - It's round the corner.
We'll meet there, then, shall we? Right, come along.
I must say, Oliver's little scheme really shows imaginative thinking.
Trouble is, though, the pay code. There's no way I can increase his salary.
The only solution seems to be promotion.
Oh, good.
- I feel like that film. - What film?
The Agony And The Ecstasy.
- Darling... - You realise you could've got me the boot?
Yes, I am sorry, Oliver.
The boss man and his wife arriving at a sort of semi-furnished coal hole.
I can't think why you didn't have half a dozen hens strolling around the place.
Well, Edgar didn't think of that.
Oh... Edgar?
Mm. He suggested it.
Edgar suggested all this? I only took the credit just now cos I thought it was your idea.
- Never mind. - It was Edgar's idea.
- I let the bomb off. - It ought to be Edgar's promotion.
Nonsense. Anyway, you might have thought of it.
Not in a million years.
Well, thank you. Thank you very much indeed.
You've put me through one of the worst evenings of my life.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes. You plot behind my back with Edgar,
you let me take the credit for somebody else's idea,
we might still get chucked out by Lowther...
You're wasting your time as a housewife.
Why aren't you holding down some government post and starting the Third World War?
Well, you've got something else to thank me for as well.
What?
I went back and got it.
I'm afraid your brave defender's arrived at the battlefield a little late, hasn't he, to help me?
No, he hasn't.
And that was very, very kind of you, Sandy, and thank you.
Was that a genuine thank you?
A genuine thank you.
Mm. Thank you.
- Oliver, we've got to get changed. - Oh, yes. Right.
All right, I won't be a minute.
Right.
Mr Lowther, watch out for your common parts. Yah!
Oh!
(Voices raised in argument)
Never mind, darling. Hey. ♪ Night and day, you are the one
Ripped By mstoll